Usually boys who are really good at a sport have little time for others who don’t play as well.  They don’t want to run drills with the less-talented, they tend to get frustrated quickly when the less-talented make mistakes, they make sarcastic (or worse) remarks about the abilities of their teammates, and they expect to get the most playing time.  On Greg’s team the best player has none of those qualities.  He runs drills with whatever player the coach assigns him, and encourages that teammate to do his best.  He never makes snide remarks.  He passes the ball in games, even though he must certainly know that he has a much better chance to score then many of his teammates do.

Not surprisingly, the other players have followed this boy’s lead.  It is far and away the nicest group of boys Greg has ever played with.  Perhaps it is just me, but it feels like youth sports today are becoming more and more about “winning” than ever before.  Greg’s team may not win the league championship this season, but they are having fun playing together.  A lot of credit for that goes to the coach, for sure, but I’m amazed at what a difference it makes when the best player on the team is also the most selfless.

Here is my point with all of this – this boy’s parents have obviously been teaching and modeling proper attitudes to him.  It has challenged me in my role as a father to reevaluate how I am doing in this area.  Specifically, I’ve been thinking through these questions:

Am I intentionally teaching/modeling to my kids how to be a good friend/teammate?

Am I cultivating in them an others-centered outlook on life?

Am I working with them on their attitudes when they happen to be one of the best in the group at something?

Am I showing them where the Bible teaches about these character traits?

If you are reading this and feeling like you might want to have a talk with your kids about this, here are a few verses to help get the conversation started.

Colossians 4:6 – “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

1 Timothy 4:12 – “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.”

Matthew 7:12 – “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

Colossians 3:12 – “therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

With the competitive, “winning-isn’t- everything-it’s-the-only-thing” culture that we find ourselves living in, it’s so important that we help our kids develop the proper attitudes and perspectives about their activities, be it sports, music, art, scouts, or whatever interests them.  Being the “best” at something is a big ego boost when we are young, that is for sure, but as parents we need to help ground our child’s ego in God’s word.

We give Him praise for:

-The opportunity to speak at 121 different ministry events in 2011 (that’s one every 3 days!).  The impact that God allowed to see as we ministered to men, marriages and families was overwhelming!

-Our Tuesday morning Bible study for business leaders.  Each Tuesday at 7 am a group gathers at our office for a time of bible study, sharing, and prayer.  We would love to have you join us!

-MPG.  Without a doubt, the launch of our Ministry Peer Group program has been one the greatest blessings of our ministry year!  Every month a group of pastors joins us at our office for a morning of fellowship, ministry troubleshooting, and a time of training on family ministries in the local church.  One pastor remarked that MPG is the “highlight” of his month!

-All of our ministry “friends”.  We are so thankful for each and every family that supported our ministry financially this year.  Without your help, the lives of over 7,000 families wouldn’t have been encouraged, equipped, and enriched in the past year!

-Our Pebbles of Truth radio show.  We once again had the privilege of speaking to a large listening audience each week on FM 90.3 (WJTL).  We are constantly amazed by just how many folks are tuning in at 12:20ish each Saturday morning!

Please join us in prayer in 2012 for:

-The launching of our new “Keeping Your Kids From Canaan” parenting conferences.  We are partnering with Christian schools in the area to host a variety of workshops to help equip parents in raising children who love the Lord.  Our first conference is scheduled for the York area in March, and we will be in the Harrisburg area in April.  We plan to bring the conference to our “home” base of Lancaster in September!

-The launching of several new MPG groups.  We hope to start at least three new MPG groups in 2012.  If you think your pastor might be interested in getting together with a bunch of fellow “ministry warriors” for an intentional time of relationship building, ministry challenge sharing, and training, tell them to check out http://hotrfm.org/index.php/mpg-information!

-The launching of our first “HOTRFM” book.  We are hoping to have our first book, tentatively titled “How Hard Could It Be,” in early 2012!  For many couples achieving the “oneness” of marriage that is described in the Bible is a difficult challenge because they spend so much of their time in two very different worlds – one at home, the other at work.  “How Hard Could It Be” discusses the challenges of being a stay-at-home parent from a guy’s perspective and how the working parent and stay-at-home parent can and must support each other’s roles and responsibilities.

-Another busy speaking schedule.  We already have a full slate of speaking events scheduled for the first quarter of 2012, and would love to add your church to our calendar!  Please pray for our travels, for men to be encouraged, for marriages to be enriched, for parents to be equipped, and for churches to be energized!

Thanks so much to each of you who’ve read our blog, come to one of our events, listened to the radio show, and gave to our ministry.  Each of us here at House on the Rock is so excited to see what God is going to do in 2012!

Except when it’s not.

Some of us, perhaps more of us then we think, aren’t especially looking forward to December 25^th.  It may be hard for us to admit, but there is a “check” in our holiday spirit, something that is happening in our lives that is preventing us from fully enjoying Christmas.  Perhaps you are dealing with an illness in the family.  Perhaps you are under some significant financial stress this year, and there won’t be as many gifts under the tree as there were in years past.  Perhaps you are experiencing conflict in a relationship in your life (with your spouse, with your kids, with your parents, etc…).  Perhaps your family is like mine and you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one this year, so there will be one less seat at the dinner table.  Whatever the reason is, fully celebrating Christmas just seems impossible.

If that is the case for you this year, I believe that a story from the Gospel of Luke may be of comfort and encouragement to you.  In Luke 1:26-38 the angel Gabriel visits Mary to announce to her that she has been chosen by God to be the mother of Jesus.  Luke tells us that Mary “was greatly troubled at his words.”  I guess so!  Can you imagine what was running through her mind at that moment?  I can’t be sure of course, but I wonder if she thought about these things:

She was young and unprepared.  It’s likely that she was barely past puberty!

Her marriage was immediately on shaky ground.    Once Joseph found out about the pregnancy, he would have had three options:  he could ask for a public divorce (and possibly request that Mary be stoned), he could divorce her privately, or he could stick it out with her (a very unlikely choice).  In any event, this “Good News” had the potential to severely damage their relationship.

Her family relationships would be damaged.  What would her parents say?  What would his parents say?  What about their brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles?  Cousins?  Neighbors?  Friends?

Health Issues.   Let’s face it, this type of pregnancy hasn’t been done before (or since, for that matter)!

She would be facing serious financial stress.  Mary was looking at a life as either a single mom or a disgraced mother of a carpenter.  Neither was a good option for being able to provide for a family.

When you look at that list, can you relate?

Gabriel must have sensed that Mary was troubled as well.  He tells her just how this pregnancy is going to happen and reminds her “Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month.”  Then Gabriel makes one of the greatest statements of God’s power found in Scripture – “For nothing is impossible with God.”

Think about that.

If you are hurting financially, and you’re not sure how the bills are going to get paid, let the birth of Jesus remind you that nothing is impossible with God.

If you are dealing with an illness, and the doctors have all said there is nothing that they can do, let the birth of Jesus remind you that nothing is impossible with God.

If you’ve lost a loved one, and you’re not sure how you can go on, and you don’t want to accept this “new normal”, let the birth of Jesus remind you that nothing is impossible with God.

If you have relationships that are hurting, and it seems like there is no hope that they can be restored, let the birth of Jesus remind you that nothing is impossible with God.

If you’ve never accepted Jesus as your savior because you feel like God can’t possibly use you or want you, that if He really knew you there is no way that He would want you, that it seems impossible that you could be a part of His family, let the birth of Jesus remind you that nothing is impossible with God.

Are “impossible” circumstances hindering your ability to celebrate Christmas this year?  If so, I would encourage to you remember that we have a heavenly Father that specializes in the impossible!  For a fun and meaningful family activity, read Luke 1:26-38 with your kids this week and talk about some of the “impossible” things that God has already done in your family’s lives.

Merry Christmas to each of you.  Let’s celebrate the impossible this year!

Most of  my childhood Christmas gifts are long gone, of course.  The toys eventually broke, the clothes became too small, and the other gifts were either lost along the way or are buried in a box somewhere.  One gift, however, is still with me.  It’s small, it’s old, and it’s even a little broken, but there is no way in the world I would ever get rid of it.

When I was in fifth grade my Sunday School teacher, Tom Mullin, gave me a little plane ornament for my Christmas tree.  Many fifth grade boys would have been unimpressed with such a gift, but for me it quickly became a prized possession.  I adored Tom.  He took an interest in me at a time when I really needed it, and I looked forward to Sunday School each week.  Tom took this rowdy pack of boys and each week calmed us down enough to teach us the foundations of the Christian faith while at the same time keeping things fun.  One week Tom led our class through the sinner’s prayer, and I officially committed my life to Christ.  I was crushed when it was time for me to move on to the sixth grade.

Needless to say, Tom’s ornament was the first one that I put on my tree the next year, and the year after that.  The following year Tom suffered a debilitating stroke.  I will never forget the day that he returned to church after that.  He needed to use a walker, and it took him a long time to get to his pew, but nothing was going to keep him from worshiping God.  The stroke robbed him of his ability to speak (which unfortunately remains the case today), with the exception of one phrase – “Merry Christmas.”  Christmas was and is Tom’s favorite time of year, and now, for Tom, every day is Christmas morning.

As my family began to decorate the tree that year, I was heartbroken when I unwrapped Tom’s ornament and found the tailfin broken.  Then it dawned on me how it was sort of fitting.  Even though life can batter us around and our bodies will ultimately fail us, we still can celebrate the fact that God sent his Son to die for us so that we can be with Him in heaven someday, where we will be restored to an “unbroken” condition.  I once again placed Tom’s ornament front and center on our tree, and I can say without any embarrassment that I could barely see through all the tears as I softly whispered “Merry Christmas, Tom.”

Every year since then Tom’s plane has been the first one on my Christmas tree, a tradition I’ve brought to my own family.  It’s become a fun and meaningful reminder to my kids of how Dad came to know Christ, since I tell the “story of the plane” each year.

As you deck the halls this year, what can you incorporate into your traditions that helps tell the story of how you came to know Jesus as your savior?  While it is so important to tell our kids the story of the first Christmas during the holiday season, it’s just as important to tell them the story of why the birth of Jesus means so much to us.  Perhaps you can find an ornament of your own that helps tell your story, or a special song that you can sing as a family.  The possibilities are endless.

Let this be the year that you begin telling your children how the Christmas Story and your story connect.

Talk about untruthful advertising!

It turned out the whole workshop was nothing more than an extended sales pitch for audio and video recording equipment.  After a two and a half hour presentation the speaker hadn’t said one word about social media or websites.  To make matters more frustrating, the speaker was going well past the announced closing time.  I finally got up and left, feeling sheepish but wanting to honor my time commitment to Mary’s mom.   The whole deal felt like a colossal waste of time and energy.  But as I was driving home God once again used the experience as a “teachable moment” in my life as I was reminded of how being a victim of untruthful advertising is exactly how our spouses feel when our words promise one thing and our actions deliver something totally different.

Good communication within a couple’s marriage seems like it is one of the most elusive goals in the relationship, but it really boils down to making sure all of our communication with our spouse has three qualities – honesty, openness and caring.

By honesty, I mean that all of our communication must be truthful.  Lying (even those “little white lies”) says to our spouse that “I don’t want to be open and intimate with you.  There are areas of my life that are off-limits to you.”  Ephesians 4:25 clearly commands “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”  When we begin to play “Hide and Seek” with the truth we are asking for trouble!

Honesty alone, however, doesn’t do us much good if we aren’t open.  Our spouses are not mind readers.  When we don’t weigh in on issues because we don’t think they are important (or are afraid to offend) we are going to create problems.  Avoid being vague and/or indirect when talking with your spouse, since doing so will only lead to miscommunications.

Being honest and open is a great start, but we must also be caring our communication.  Colossians 4:6 says “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.”  Being caring means always keeping our spouses feelings in mind as we talk with them, and avoiding unnecessary words that can only serve to hurt them.

When you think about it, settling for just one or even two of these qualities is a sure-fire way to harm our marriage.  If we are honest and open but not caring, then our communication will surely hurt our spouse from time to time (if not more often).  If we are honest and caring, but not open, then our spouse will constantly be trying to decipher our limited communication and feel lonely and “shut off” from our lives.  If we are open and caring, but not honest, then our spouse will never know if what we are saying is the truth.

As God reminded me yesterday, open, honest, and caring communication is part of God’s recipe for a healthy marriage.  Perhaps that workshop wasn’t a complete waste of time after all!

Predictably, and understandably, the Penn State scandal has started a firestorm in both the mainstream media and in the social media arenas of Twitter and Facebook.  Many famous and not-so-famous people are expressing outrage at the cover up that is perceived to have happened at Penn State, fueled primarily by the indictments of two university officials for lying to the grand jury.  In fact, with the criminal proceedings against the football coach seemingly an open and shut case, most of the questions being asked by the public are regarding those at Penn State who were close to the assistant coach or had authority over his conduct.  Someone, the thinking goes, must have known about this despicable behavior and didn’t do or say anything to stop it.

Much of this anger is being directed at Penn State’s legendary head football coach, Joe Paterno.  (Note – at the time I am writing this Paterno has announced his retirement at the end of the current season.)  Based upon the criminal complaint that was made public by the attorney general, it appears that Paterno knew about allegations of the coach’s transgressions as far back as 1998.  Yet it seems that he did nothing about them except for one instance in 2002 when he reported an incident to the school’s athletic director.

Because the heinousness of the crimes involved in this scandal are so severe, it is easy (and perhaps somewhat justifiable) to sit back and say that this person or that person should have stepped in and done something when the first hint of misbehavior became known.  Certainly I’ve had those conversations with others over the past couple of days.  As the father of young boys I’m appalled at the lack of action that took place.  Yet, as I watched a news conference regarding the scandal yesterday, God laid a very convicting truth on my heart:

How many times have I chosen to not get involved when I see a friend, relative, or coworker start down a path that can only lead to bad things?

How many times I have chosen to ignore a comment or an action that has caused me to pause and think that a friend’s marriage, relationship with their kids, or relationship with God might be in trouble?

How many times I have rationalized that “it’s no big deal” or “if it’s a big deal someone else will see it”?

How many times have I avoided the issue simply because bringing it up in conversation would be awkward?

The fact is we need….no, we MUST ….have people in our lives that can hold us accountable, that can step in when they see a little issue in our lives that if left go may turn into a very BIG problem.  Far too many marriages and families in our churches find themselves in crisis simply because no one in the church either cared enough or was brave enough to step in and offer support before it was too late.

The ramifications of the Penn State scandal will negatively impact an almost incalculable number of families before it’s over.  It is a tragic failure of so many people at so many levels.  The easy response from those of us who aren’t personally connected to the parties involved in this tragedy is to judge what Joe Paterno or others should have done differently.  The best response, I believe, is to consider our own relationships and resolve to care enough about the people in our lives to “step in” whenever we think something might not be right.

Finally, a free evening appeared on the calendar and I could get the outside work done.  At the last minute, however, another commitment arose for that night.  I was frustrated (and I mean really frustrated), because rain was again in the forecast and it looked like my lawn would only continue to grow out of control.  Resigned to my fate, I came home that night prepared to be repulsed by the sight of my unkempt grass.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I drove up to a freshly manicured lawn!  Mary had realized how much the lawn was bothering me and mowed it earlier in the day.  As I looked at our lawn a lot of feelings hit me at once.  I felt surprised, I felt joy, but most of all, I felt loved.

Without a doubt, Helping is one of the best ways that we can demonstrate our love to our spouse.  Genesis 2:18 says “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him.”  One of the main roles that God wants us to fulfill for our spouse is that of a “help-mate.”   God never designed marriage to mean that one spouse does all the work.  He expects us to help each other out.  Of course, the problem with fulfilling that expectation it is a lot more fun to focus on being “mates” then it is on being helpers!

The great thing about this love language is that we are never lacking opportunities to speak it!  Whether it is doing household chores together (and getting rid of any preconceived notions of what is “the woman’s work” and what is “the man’s work”), taking care of the kids’ needs so our spouse gets a break, or simply doing a job without being asked, being help-mates to each other has a bounty of benefits.  It strengthens the marriage relationship, it allows us to spend time together, it helps keep the day to day “work” of life manageable for everyone, and it can even help in the more intimate areas of our marriage!

How have you acted as a “help-mate” to your spouse this week?

In 1985 Stevland Morris published a revolutionary work regarding love and marriage that was so impactful that millions of people committed it memory.  In recognition of his achievement Morris was honored as the top performer in his field at a national ceremony that was broadcasted over network television.  Since that time Morris’ message continues to influence the lives of people and has been featured on television and in several feature films.  Although he has published his perspectives on many other subjects, for most people he will always be forever linked to his 1985 declaration.

Of course, many people don’t recognize the name Stevland Morris, because he is better known as Stevie Wonder.  And the work is, of course, his Grammy winning song “I Just Called To Say I Love You.”  The song’s lyrics work through the calendar year with all the reasons someone might make a phone call to a loved one, with the chorus declaring:

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

Perhaps the song was (and still is) so popular because it speaks to a truth about each of us – we desire to have someone tell us that they love us.  That’s why another one the love languages that we need to speak to our spouse is “Saying It With Words”.  It is clear that God thinks that saying “I love you” is important.  In fact, he thinks it so important that he devoted an entire book of the Bible (Song of Solomon) to showing us how to do it!

Saying it with words can involve writing love notes and placing them where our spouse is sure to find them, or buying our spouse a card “just because”.  In today’s world spouses can even email or text each other to let them know how they feel (although our expressions of love shouldn’t be limited to electronic communication).

None of these methods, however, can replace the value of verbally saying those three little words.  When saying “I love you” we should include a least one of the reasons why we love our spouse (For example, “I love you because you always try to encourage me”, or “I love you because you are such a great helpmate”).

Of course, we need to make sure that our actions and our words agree!  If we only say “I love you” when we want something or are trying to ward off anger (“I love you, but….”) our message of love will seem insincere.   Commit to having “dating conversations” with your spouse often, not just settling for a recap of each one’s activities for the day.   And parents, don’t be afraid to tell your spouse you love them in front of your kids.  They need to hear and see that mom and dad love each other!

Have you just called to say “I love you” to your spouse this week?

I was also killing my marriage.

In my enthusiasm for softball, I missed the fact that most nights I was leaving Mary to go pursue my own interests.   It wasn’t long until our relationship started to suffer, and I was clearly sending her the message that softball took priority over her in my life.  Like many others, I had fallen for the lie that as long as we had some “quality time” that was all that mattered.

The truth is that quantity time yields quality time.  Think of some of most fond memories you’ve had with your spouse and/or your kids.  Chances are that those times weren’t well planned out in advance, they just happened because you were spending time together.

When you think about it, time is the great equalizer in life.  We all have different amounts of money and different types of possessions, but we all have the exact same amount of time each day!  It just makes sense, then, that Spending Time Together is one of the love languages that we can speak to our spouse.  Spending time together means making it a priority in your life to be home at the same time.  It means finding things that both you and your spouse enjoy and then making time in your schedule to do them.  It means (at least occasionally) doing things with your spouse that they enjoy even if you do not.  It can involve doing chores together and shopping together, and it most certainly should include worshipping together.

This doesn’t mean that we must abandon our own interests or pursuits.  Once Mary expressed her frustration to me about my devotion to softball (well, to be honest, she probably expressed it more than once, it just took me a while to listen) we talked through it.  The following year I just played for my church’s team.  Mary enjoyed going with me to those games since she could sit with church friends to cheer me on.

How much time have you been spending with your spouse lately?  Does your schedule reflect the priority that they are in your life?

As I contemplated why this loss bothered me so much, I came to the realization that at least a large part of my frustration was grounded in the fact that I had invested so much of my time into this baseball season.  From the moment spring training began back in February, I had spent countless hours watching the games, following the team on the radio, and visiting baseball websites to read about them.  At least some of this time (if not a good chunk of it) could have been spent on my relationship with God, or with my wife, or with my kids.  Instead it was given to a team that not only let me down, but whose pursuit of a championship is ultimately meaningless in life.

My point is not that sports are bad.  It’s not that following a team (or any other hobby) is sinful.  It’s that those pursuits must never take priority in our lives over our walk with God or our family.  It isn’t by coincidence that I am currently teaching our Men of Impact series to a group of men at one of our partner churches.  The big question that I ask at each one of these sessions is “Is what I am doing today making an impact for Jesus Christ today..and in the next generation?”  Clearly, spending so much of my time sitting in my recliner or at my computer following a sports team isn’t making a whole lot of kingdom impact.

Men, is there a sports team, hobby, or other pursuit in your life (or even your job) that is taking up too much of your time and yielding little to no kingdom impact?  Are you willing to make the kind of change necessary so that you can devote time to a more meaningful and lasting pursuit, one that will pay dividends today and down the road?  I’m not suggesting that we need to completely abandon recreation.  I still plan on watching sports, but I want to dial my viewing time way back, and stop planning my schedule around the TV schedule.

Ezra 7:10 says “For Ezra devoted himself to the study and observance of the law of the Lord, and to teaching its decrees and laws in Israel.”  What is your heart devoted to?