A few weeks ago I was invited to attend a workshop on using websites and social media to help promote our ministry. Thinking that the time would be well spent (and salivating at the Shady Maple buffet that was to be served) I signed up, lined up some babysitting with my mother-in-law and headed to the restaurant Monday afternoon.
Talk about untruthful advertising!
It turned out the whole workshop was nothing more than an extended sales pitch for audio and video recording equipment. After a two and a half hour presentation the speaker hadn’t said one word about social media or websites. To make matters more frustrating, the speaker was going well past the announced closing time. I finally got up and left, feeling sheepish but wanting to honor my time commitment to Mary’s mom. The whole deal felt like a colossal waste of time and energy. But as I was driving home God once again used the experience as a “teachable moment” in my life as I was reminded of how being a victim of untruthful advertising is exactly how our spouses feel when our words promise one thing and our actions deliver something totally different.
Good communication within a couple’s marriage seems like it is one of the most elusive goals in the relationship, but it really boils down to making sure all of our communication with our spouse has three qualities – honesty, openness and caring.
By honesty, I mean that all of our communication must be truthful. Lying (even those “little white lies”) says to our spouse that “I don’t want to be open and intimate with you. There are areas of my life that are off-limits to you.” Ephesians 4:25 clearly commands “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” When we begin to play “Hide and Seek” with the truth we are asking for trouble!
Honesty alone, however, doesn’t do us much good if we aren’t open. Our spouses are not mind readers. When we don’t weigh in on issues because we don’t think they are important (or are afraid to offend) we are going to create problems. Avoid being vague and/or indirect when talking with your spouse, since doing so will only lead to miscommunications.
Being honest and open is a great start, but we must also be caring our communication. Colossians 4:6 says “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” Being caring means always keeping our spouses feelings in mind as we talk with them, and avoiding unnecessary words that can only serve to hurt them.
When you think about it, settling for just one or even two of these qualities is a sure-fire way to harm our marriage. If we are honest and open but not caring, then our communication will surely hurt our spouse from time to time (if not more often). If we are honest and caring, but not open, then our spouse will constantly be trying to decipher our limited communication and feel lonely and “shut off” from our lives. If we are open and caring, but not honest, then our spouse will never know if what we are saying is the truth.
As God reminded me yesterday, open, honest, and caring communication is part of God’s recipe for a healthy marriage. Perhaps that workshop wasn’t a complete waste of time after all!
