Allow me to paint the following picture for you: Jack and Jill fall madly in love, get married and start a family. Jill loves being a mom, and because she feels her first priority is the kids, she devotes all of her time and energy into raising them. This leaves little time and energy for Jack. Jack loves his work, and because he feels his first priority is to be a provider (and since Jill is always busy with the kids), he pours all of his time and energy into his career. Soon Jack and Jill are co-existing more than anything else. They know it, the kids know it, and everyone is unhappy.
I imagine that you might know a family that is in this situation. The roles may be reversed or the details a little different, but the big picture remains. Two people, who have good intentions about being a mom and dad (there is nothing inherently wrong in putting energy into your kids’ lives or your career) find themselves living separate lives under the same roof. What do you think will happen once the kids grow up and move out?
In order to prevent the above scenario from happening to our families, we parents need to remember the fifth foundation of parenting:
Foundational Truth #5
Good Parenting Means Putting Your Spouse Before The Kids
This seems to be backwards, doesn’t it? I mean, if we want to be good parents shouldn’t we be putting our kids first? Aren’t our kids’ needs more important than our own?
I believe that kids have two overarching desires in life – a) they want to know that both of their parents love them, and b) they want to know that their parents love each other. When they “catch” us showing our love for each other to each other, our kids feel safe and secure. It is in that kind of environment that our kids can thrive.
(Allow me to pause here to acknowledge that you may be reading this and life circumstances are such that this foundation seems like it doesn’t apply. I hope to encourage you by saying that any home life where a child feels safe and loved is a great foundation for success!)
So how do we put our spouse first? There are many ways, but here are a few suggestions. First, we need to have fun together as couples, by which I mean time spent apart from the kids. Of course, this means that we need to intentionally schedule “date nights” or weekend getaways, but we also need to work to carve out some time on a daily basis to connect, share, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. If we become so busy that we miss these times, than we are forfeiting one of the true joys of marriage.
Secondly, we need to invest time in each other’s interests and find some things that we love to do together as husband and wife. For some of us investing in each other’s interests is easy, for others it is very hard!
Along with this investment, we also need to invest time in finding the love language that best speaks to our partner. When I was dating my wife, I tried to convey my love for her by buying her gifts. It took me a while (I’m a little slow on these things!), but I figured out that gifts weren’t really Mary’s primary love language (she would much rather I wash the dishes or turn off the Phillies to sit and talk with her). If you’re not sure what your spouse’s love language is, ask them! It is a fun conversation to have.
Lastly, we need to make sure that we don’t lose physical intimacy with our spouse. I’m not just talking about sex, although that is certainly a part of physical intimacy. I am also talking about the ways that we physically express our love for our spouse, whether it is putting your arm around them when you are sitting next to each other, holding hands, giving hugs or kisses, etc… Not only are these simple moments of affection communicating our love to our spouse, they also communicate love to our kids (they will pretend to be “grossed out” by it, but trust me, they like seeing it!).
The foundation for any family must be based on love, and we love our kids by first loving God and then loving our spouse. I encourage you to talk to your spouse (God’s gift to you) this week about how you can connect to each other in more meaningful ways.
-Scott
