Celebrating Advent as a Family – The Candle of Hope

One of my favorite Christmas memories from my childhood was walking into the sanctuary on the first Sunday of Advent and seeing the wreath set up by the alter.  That meant that Christmas was just four weeks away!  I would get more excited each week as another candle was lit because that meant that I was that much closer to Memorial UMC’s Christmas Eve candlelight service (my favorite service ever – I miss it), the post-service party at my great-grandparents (I still miss it, and them, each year), and of course, PRESENTS!!

(Interestingly, I don’t miss any of those toys or can recall most of them, hmmmm…)

For one reason or another, the tradition of the advent wreath isn’t as prominent in churches as it used to be.  That’s a shame, because the advent wreath can be a great way to help our children connect to the history of the Faith, and help our kids have a deeper understanding of just how wonderful and amazing the birth of Jesus was.

For the next few weeks I’ll be using this blog space to talk about some ways that parents can really invest in the spiritual lives of their kids by using the Advent wreath.  As a companion to this, we are doing the same thing with our Pebbles of Truth radio program, which is broadcast each Saturday at around 12:20 of WJTL in Lancaster.  Each week we will also be posting some activities on our Pebbles website, www.pebblesoftruth.com, for you to download.

So what can we share with our kids about the advent wreath?  A lot!  The circular shape of the wreath reminds us that there is no beginning and no end to God.  He is eternal!  The green of the pine branches and holly leaves remind us of the new life of Jesus, and the new life that each of us can have when we trust in Him as our Savior.

The candles give off light, which reminds us that Jesus is the light that came to this world of darkness, and how each of us is called to be a light for God.  The great thing about the Advent wreath is that our kids can actually see what we are talking about!  The first candle that we light is often called the Candle of Hope, and we can talk to our kids about how the people hoped for a Savior, and how Jesus is still the Hope of the world today.

A couple of great activities for your family to do this first week of Advent would be to have an advent wreath in your house and light the first candle.  Sing a favorite Christmas carol and read some of the Christmas story while you sit together in the candlelight.  I’m sure your kids will love the time you spend together!

If you have young children, you can find instructions to make a simple (no flames!) wreath on our Pebbles website.  Another activity you can do this week is to memorize Scripture as a family.  Matthew 24:44 would be a great one to get you started.

Although we all talk about remembering the “reason for the season”, it is often easy to forget.  Let’s use the next four weeks to intentionally plan some times to give our kids the gift of a deeper walk with God.

-Scott

Lucky Man, Part II

For a while now I have wanted to upgrade my cell phone.  I really want one of the newer ones with a touch screen and fancy applications, one that I can get my email on and surf the web with.  I REALLY want one of these cell phones.  In fact I want one so bad I can taste it (it tastes like chicken).

But, right now it just isn’t in the budget.  So I am really working on being content with the bare-bones, pre-paid cell phone that I currently have.  It meets my needs, and our finances.  Instead of thinking about the cell phone I don’t have, I should be thankful for the cell phone I do have.

Just the attitude I want my kids to have.  Hmmmmm…..wonder if I should talk to them about my cell phone?

Sharing with our kids about our own struggles with being content is one of the best things that we can do for them.  Not only do we show them that contentment is something that we all struggle with, we also can also show them what we do to achieve it!

One tradition that many families have for Thanksgiving is to go around the table and have each person talk about one thing that they are thankful for.  This year, why not carve out some time to talk about what we struggle being thankful for as well?  My guess is that your kids will appreciate the honesty!

-Scott

PS – Starting next week – how we can nurture our childrens’ faith (and have some fun) during Advent.

Lucky Man

Whether or not you are a country music fan, you may be able to relate to lyrics of a song by the group Montgomery Gentry called “Lucky Man”:

I have moments when I curse the rain
Then complain when the sun’s too hot
I look around at what everyone has
And I forget about all I’ve got

I was reminded of these lyrics this past Saturday when Mary and I took our kids shopping to fill shoeboxes for Samaritans Purse’s Operation Christmas Child ministry.  Greg and Abby had such fun picking out these very small items to give to a child that they will never meet.  A child that will be thrilled to get one small box that has a toothbrush, soap, and pencils in it for Christmas.

The shopping trip made me think about just how blessed my family is, and how often I fail to recognize it!  Like the character in the song, I too tend to look around at what everyone else has, and forget about all I’ve got.  It is so easy to turn to our possessions for happiness, satisfaction, and contentment.  Yet, they will never give us any of those things.

It is not without irony that next Thursday many people will give thanks to God for what they have, and then on Friday go out to get more!  Doesn’t it seem like we are sending God a mixed message?  I’ve shopped on Black Friday too (every year I say I’m not going to, and every year I end up out with the masses), so I am as guilty at this as anyone.

Just as importantly, are we sending mixed signals to our kids?  Are we telling them to be thankful for what they have in one breath and asking them for their Christmas lists in the next?  This is the thought that I personally struggle with.  I want my kids to have a great Christmas.  I love watching their faces as they open their presents, and the excitement in their voice as they scream “Thank you” and give hugs.  Yet I also want them to understand that true happiness and contentment can only come from a vibrant walk with God.

So, how do we parents (or grandparents) do that?  What has worked for you?  I’m going to share a couple of thoughts in the next blog update, but until then, leave a comment on how you help your kids understand just how blessed they are.

-Scott

Ministering to Stepfamilies – Part 2

On Monday I wrote about the needs of stepfamilies and how the local church can meet them (Scroll down if you missed it!).  Today I want to continue the discussion.  Here are a few more things that churches can do to minister to stepfamilies:

Focus on the spiritual growth of the stepfamily.   Stepfamilies represent a tremendous opportunity to show how God can work to make an imperfect situation a wonder of His restoring grace, power, and love.  The husband and wife need to be grounded spiritually in order to face the challenges ahead of them. Let’s face it; the statistics regarding successful remarriages are not good. The best chance a stepfamily has in remaining together and flourishing is for God to become the central focus of it. Congregations may do very well at meeting the physical, fellowship, and even emotional needs of a stepfamily, but if the spiritual needs are not made the top priority the family is in jeopardy.

Have leadership take the lead. Church leadership needs to embrace the challenge of ministering to stepfamilies. Leaders need to foremost educate themselves and do the homework necessary to launch a ministry. This may mean talking to others in the community who work with stepfamilies, visiting with stepfamilies themselves, and becoming up-to-date on the latest resources available. After all of that, leaders need to start the task of educating those members that are serving in the church (especially those in children and youth ministries). Remember, things traditional families take for granted (such as who is allowed to pick up the children) are much more complicated for stepfamilies.

Provide Help and Resources. Remember your first few months (or years) of marriage, when it was just the spouse and you? Remember how often you were able to talk with each other uninterrupted? How you could get away at a moment’s notice? How you could devote all your time and energy into building your marriage? Remarried couples usually don’t have a chance for any of that. The demands of an “instant” family are too much. Yet those couples still need that time to communicate, bond, work through issues, and (in many cases, since divorcees typically rely on their parents heavily for support while they are single) “leave and cleave”. Your church can provide a place and time for remarried couples to connect with each other by providing child care services. You could also provide a class or support group for remarrieds to mutually share their stories and support one another. Some churches even start a Sunday school class specifically for remarried couples. Stock the church library with resources that will be helpful for stepfamilies.

I know that I keep coming back to the same theme, but resources that work for traditional families often aren’t as helpful for stepfamilies. Some great resources that I would recommend are:  The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal, Your Stepfamily, Standing Strong again by Deal, The Blended Family by Edward and Sharon Douglas, and Ministering to 21st Century Families by Dennis Rainey (this one was a big help for the blog post).

For too long the needs of the stepfamilies in our churches and our communities have gone unnoticed. The Bible tells us that there are no second class citizens in God’s kingdom, simply because there are no first class citizens. We are all just sinners in need of a Savior. The exciting message of the cross for stepfamilies is that God loves and forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies just as much as He loves and forgives the imperfect people in traditional families!

-Scott

Has your church done something specifically to minister to stepfamilies?  Please leave a comment, I’d love to hear about it! 

Coming soon – How can your family celebrate the advent season together?

Ministering to Stepfamilies – Part One

  I was at a ministry event in Altoona back in September, talking to the folks there about House on the Rock.  One of the men who stopped by my booth asked me if we ever minister to stepfamilies.  As I was assuring him that we certainly do and in fact encourage churches to look for ways to help remarried couples and stepfamiles, I saw his eyes well up.  Voice cracking, he told me “My wife and I have combined our families and need help, but our church doesn’t seem to care.”  Wow, what an invitation to share!  As I talked with the man, hoping that what I was saying was encouraging him, I couldn’t help but wonder what his church was like and why he felt the way he did.   

The US Census Bureau estimates that over 1300 new stepfamilies are formed every day.  It is highly likely that each person reading this post is a stepchild, stepmother or stepfather, or knows of someone close to them who is.  Yet as prominent in our culture as the stepfamily is, and despite the fact that around 66% of remarriages ultimately fail, churches often lack the resources and ministries to meet the needs of the stepfamily.

 Why?  There are probably several reasons, and my purpose isn’t to “indict” your church.  Many times church leadership just hasn’t really considered it.  Sometimes it is a financial reality – there just isn’t enough room in the church budget to accommodate every possible ministry.  Other times it may be simply an issue of ministry philosophy, as some churches strive to have as few “programs” as possible. 

 By and large, however, the real reason comes down to congregations being afraid of “condoning” divorce by ministering to stepfamilies.  Ron Deal, the President of Successful Stepfamilies, responded to this concern in an interview by saying “…working with stepfamilies is not about condoning their past.  It is about preventing the pressures and peculiarities of stepfamily life from keeping people from serving their Lord.” 

 I would agree with Deal.  God’s plan for marriage (one man and one women committed for a lifetime) must be held in the highest regard.  Remarried couples need to know that God’s expectations for their marriage haven’t changed – it is a covenant that is to last to eternity.  As Deal puts it “Churches must be just as serious about preventing divorce in second (or subsequent) marriages as we are in preventing divorce in first marriages.”   We at House on the Rock would respond with a hearty “Amen!” to that.

What congregations may not realize is that most remarried couples don’t need someone to point out their failures to them – they are doing enough of that to themselves!  In fact, the personal sense of guilt and failure that many divorcees feel makes it difficult for them to even come to a church.  That is what Satan wants, to isolate stepfamilies from Christians and make them fend for themselves!

 So how can the church support stepfamilies?  Here are a few thoughts to get you thinking, with a few more to follow in the next blog post. 

First, seek to understand.  It is popular to refer to stepfamilies as being “blended”.  While that is certainly a “softer” term, and isn’t necessarily a wrong thing by any means, the term blended may make it harder for people to understand stepfamilies.  Stepfamilies rarely fully “blend”.  Parts of the two (or more) unique family cultures, traditions, and simple ways of being remain long after the remarriage.  The sheer complexity of relationships within a stepfamily can be overwhelming to some.  This isn’t to say that stepfamilies can’t develop meaningful close relationships, but there will always be differences.  Congregations need to understand that stepfamilies may look like a traditional family, but they usually have little in common with it.

 Seeking to understand also means avoiding viewing stepfamilies through the “Brady Bunch” lens.  Remember the theme song to that show – “…and they knew it was much more than a hunch, that this group would somehow form a family…”?  The Brady Bunch showcased a stepfamily utopia that was certainly very Hollywood, but certainly not realistic.  Unfortunately, that is how many people still think that stepfamilies can and should function.  It is just not so.  The fact remains that for any stepfamily to be born a tremendous loss has to occur (either the death of a parent or a divorce).  That hurt can continue for a long time.

 Welcome stepfamilies to your church.

Stepfamilies often feel out of place in churches, where every family has its best face forward.  Many traditional families are very good at hiding any tension or turmoil or issues for a few hours on Sunday mornings.  The stepfamily’s issues are out in the open for everyone to see.  Small gestures go along way, like acknowledging stepmoms on Mother’s Day or including some practical applications for stepfamilies during the morning sermons.  Remember that the typical lesson applications often do not apply to members of stepfamilies.

 Perhaps the biggest key to welcoming stepfamilies is to simply be positive and patient.  Most family experts agree that adjusting to life within a stepfamily takes at least seven years (some would argue that the adjustment is never truly complete).  That means that there are going to be many times when words of encouragement and exhortations to keep going are needed.  Stepfamilies need to know that the church will always be there to support them.

-Scott

Note – Dennis Rainey’s book, Ministering to 21st Century Families is a source for some of the information above, and is a great resource for anyone interesting in family ministry.

October Recap and a Look Ahead!

October ended up being “Men’s Ministry Month” here at House on the Rock.  We had many, many opportunities to share with men and encourage them to become a Man of IMPACT! 

 Just before one of our events we were chatting with the leader of the group and we asked if any of the men were currently struggling with a specific area of his life so that we could be sensitive to that as we spoke.  The leader replied that he had received an email from one of the guys’ wives, thanking the church for having the retreat and adding that “he really needs this, and our marriage really needs this.”  What a challenge and source of inspiration for us as we began the weekend!

 At the end of the weekend the very same man approached us, thanking us for our ministry and helping him to refocus on what is important in his life.  Needless to say, everyone walked away encouraged!

It is through the continued support of our generous donors that stories like this one are possible.  Thanks to all of you who have supported the ministry financially!

A few quick updates:

• Bruce has also caught the blogging bug and is ministering to dads through it.  His blog is at mentordad.wordpress.com.  He is also on Twitter!  Catch his tweets at twitter.com/mentordad.
•  Our annual Sweetheart Banquet is set for 2/18/10.  This evening is always a great night out with your spouse.  Mark your calendar now and look for more information soon!

Please pray for our 2010 calendar, as we are looking to minister to as many men, marriages, families, and churches as possible.  You can also be in prayer for our board members, as they and Bruce will be meeting shortly to chart a course for the ministry for 2010 and beyond.

Thanks again for supporting our ministry!

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Five

Allow me to paint the following picture for you:  Jack and Jill fall madly in love, get married and start a family.  Jill loves being a mom, and because she feels her first priority is the kids, she devotes all of her time and energy into raising them.  This leaves little time and energy for Jack.  Jack loves his work, and because he feels his first priority is to be a provider (and since Jill is always busy with the kids), he pours all of his time and energy into his career.  Soon Jack and Jill are co-existing more than anything else.  They know it, the kids know it, and everyone is unhappy.

 I imagine that you might know a family that is in this situation.  The roles may be reversed or the details a little different, but the big picture remains.  Two people, who have good intentions about being a mom and dad (there is nothing inherently wrong in putting energy into your kids’ lives or your career) find themselves living separate lives under the same roof.  What do you think will happen once the kids grow up and move out?

 In order to prevent the above scenario from happening to our families, we parents need to remember the fifth foundation of parenting:

 Foundational Truth #5

 Good Parenting Means Putting Your Spouse Before The Kids

 This seems to be backwards, doesn’t it?  I mean, if we want to be good parents shouldn’t we be putting our kids first?  Aren’t our kids’ needs more important than our own?

 I believe that kids have two overarching desires in life – a) they want to know that both of their parents love them, and b) they want to know that their parents love each other.  When they “catch” us showing our love for each other to each other, our kids feel safe and secure.  It is in that kind of environment that our kids can thrive.

 (Allow me to pause here to acknowledge that you may be reading this and life circumstances are such that this foundation seems like it doesn’t apply.   I hope to encourage you by saying that any home life where a child feels safe and loved is a great foundation for success!)

 So how do we put our spouse first?  There are many ways, but here are a few suggestions.  First, we need to have fun together as couples, by which I mean time spent apart from the kids.  Of course, this means that we need to intentionally schedule “date nights” or weekend getaways, but we also need to work to carve out some time on a daily basis to connect, share, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company.  If we become so busy that we miss these times, than we are forfeiting one of the true joys of marriage.

 Secondly, we need to invest time in each other’s interests and find some things that we love to do together as husband and wife.  For some of us investing in each other’s interests is easy, for others it is very hard! 

 Along with this investment, we also need to invest time in finding the love language that best speaks to our partner.  When I was dating my wife, I tried to convey my love for her by buying her gifts.  It took me a while (I’m a little slow on these things!), but I figured out that gifts weren’t really Mary’s primary love language (she would much rather I wash the dishes or turn off the Phillies to sit and talk with her).  If you’re not sure what your spouse’s love language is, ask them!  It is a fun conversation to have.

 Lastly, we need to make sure that we don’t lose physical intimacy with our spouse.  I’m not just talking about sex, although that is certainly a part of physical intimacy.  I am also talking about the ways that we physically express our love for our spouse, whether it is putting your arm around them when you are sitting next to each other, holding hands, giving hugs or kisses, etc…  Not only are these simple moments of affection communicating our love to our spouse, they also communicate love to our kids (they will pretend to be “grossed out” by it, but trust me, they like seeing it!).

 The foundation for any family must be based on love, and we love our kids by first loving God and then loving our spouse.  I encourage you to talk to your spouse (God’s gift to you) this week about how you can connect to each other in more meaningful ways.

 -Scott