Shortly after my daughter Abby was born I was talking to an elderly neighbor of mine and giving the “play by play” of welcoming her into the world. He chuckled and remarked that times sure had changed. When I asked him what he meant by that, he replied that when his daughter was born his job was to drive his wife to the hospital. The nurses met him at the front door, put his wife in a wheelchair, and told him they would give him a call when the baby was born. He was right, times have changed!
I share that brief story with you for two reasons: a) it cracks me up each time I think about it (try getting away with that level of involvement today, dads!), and b) it really speaks to the culture change that has occurred in parenting over the years. It is this change leads me to our third foundation of parenting.
Foundational Truth #3
Good Parenting is Good Relating.
One of the things about life that I have found to be true is that your relation to someone is not nearly as important as your relationship with them. As parents, we need to be working on our relationship with our children. Hebrews 12:6 helps explain why: “because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.” Once again, in the Word God gives us the model as to how we should relate to our kids (isn’t it amazing how often he does that?). God does correct his children, but he does it because he actively loves and accepts them.
I can accept God’s prodding and discipline (of course, sometimes I kick and scream a little!) because of how he continually demonstrates how much he loves me. The same is needs to be true with my kids. The more I actively (that’s the key – relationship building isn’t a passive thing) demonstrate to Greg, Abby, and Trent that I love them and that they are a priority in my life, the better our relationship will be and the better parent I will be.
This doesn’t mean that I am going to try to be their friend. In fact, if that is the case then I am settling for a lesser relationship. I want to be their dad!
For many of us, this idea of building a loving relationship with our kids is very different from how our great-grandparents, grandparents, and even parents parented. And if that is true, it is important for us to understand the times in which they were parenting and (as Bruce says) “slide them a little slack”! For a long time the main role of the father, for instance, was to provide 3 square meals a day, clothes on their back, and a roof over their head. Physical contact was limited to a pat on the head (and/or a swat to the backside!).
Our relationship with our kids should be more than that. For some of us (and let’s be honest, this is typically a guy issue, although not always), physically and/or verbally demonstrating our love to our kids can be uncomfortable. If it is, I encourage you to find a way. There is no greater tribute that a child can say about their parents than “I always knew that they loved me.” I say this about my parents all the time, and I hope and pray that will be the case for my children as well.
A few generations ago many people believed that children should be “seen and not heard.” We need to understand that our kids are more likely to “cause a scene and act like a herd”! And that’s ok, it gives us a chance to work on our relationship.
- Scott
