Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Four

Last fall my son Greg played on a soccer team that was absolutely dominant.  The team went 15-1, winning most of the games by double digit scores.  Greg loved it, (obviously), was feeling good about himself as a soccer player and we looked forward to the spring season. 

 New season, new team, very different results!  Greg’s spring team lost every game but one, and this time he was on the losing side of some blowouts.  His self-image took a hit as well.  I was a little concerned, because I never like to see my kids down on themselves.  That’s where our fourth foundation of parenting comes into play.

 Foundational Truth #4

 Good Parenting Produces A Healthy Self-Concept

 Although we parents don’t like to admit it sometimes, our kids will fail.  At sports, at school, at behaving, and in relationships (to name a few areas).  It is our job as parents to make sure that these times when they are not as successful do not damage our kids self-image. 

 It is so important that our kids understand that there is a HUGE difference between failing at something and being a failure!  The former is going to happen, if for no other reason than we are humans living in a fallen world.  But here is the good news – the latter is never the case for a child of God!

 And that truth is what our kids self concept needs to be built on.  The world will try to tell our kids that their value is derived by their looks, smarts, and accomplishments.  Luke 12:6-7 says “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Our true value is God’s estimate of our worth, not our peers’

 So, how do we help our kids develop a healthy self-concept?  One important step is to not get upset with them when they fail.  I know, I know, this is not easy to do!  We want our kids to do well.  And I’m not really talking about those times that our kids choose to do the wrong thing, I’m referring to those times when they intend to do well and fall short.

 Usually our kids are well aware when life knocks them down, they don’t need our help in acknowledging that.  What they do need for mom and dad to help them get back up.  Let’s use a poor spelling test as an example.  If we rant and rave and send them to their room as punishment, then the message we are sending to them is that they need to achieve (good grades) in order to receive (our love).  What if they begin to think that about God?

 Now, please understand that I want my kids to achieve just as much as the next dad.  In fact, I try to celebrate success with them as often as I can.  But what are we celebrating?  I try to praise their character, not just their accomplishments.  For example, I try to say things like “I know you’ve worked really hard at this, I’m really proud of you for that” instead of just “Great job!”  What matters to God is our character, so that is what should matter to us.

- Scott

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Three

Shortly after my daughter Abby was born I was talking to an elderly neighbor of mine and giving the “play by play” of welcoming her into the world.  He chuckled and remarked that times sure had changed.  When I asked him what he meant by that, he replied that when his daughter was born his job was to drive his wife to the hospital.  The nurses met him at the front door, put his wife in a wheelchair, and told him they would give him a call when the baby was born.  He was right, times have changed!

 I share that brief story with you for two reasons: a) it cracks me up each time I think about it (try getting away with that level of involvement today, dads!), and b) it really speaks to the culture change that has occurred in parenting over the years.  It is this change leads me to our third foundation of parenting.

 Foundational Truth #3

 Good Parenting is Good Relating.

 One of the things about life that I have found to be true is that your relation to someone is not nearly as important as your relationship with them.  As parents, we need to be working on our relationship with our children.  Hebrews 12:6 helps explain why: “because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”  Once again, in the Word God gives us the model as to how we should relate to our kids (isn’t it amazing how often he does that?).  God does correct his children, but he does it because he actively loves and accepts them. 

 I can accept God’s prodding and discipline (of course, sometimes I kick and scream a little!) because of how he continually demonstrates how much he loves me.  The same is needs to be true with my kids.  The more I actively (that’s the key – relationship building isn’t a passive thing) demonstrate to Greg, Abby, and Trent that I love them and that they are a priority in my life, the better our relationship will be and the better parent I will be. 

 This doesn’t mean that I am going to try to be their friend.  In fact, if that is the case then I am settling for a lesser relationship.  I want to be their dad!

 For many of us, this idea of building a loving relationship with our kids is very different from how our great-grandparents, grandparents, and even parents parented.  And if that is true, it is important for us to understand the times in which they were parenting and (as Bruce says) “slide them a little slack”!  For a long time the main role of the father, for instance, was to provide 3 square meals a day, clothes on their back, and a roof over their head.  Physical contact was limited to a pat on the head (and/or a swat to the backside!). 

 Our relationship with our kids should be more than that.  For some of us (and let’s be honest, this is typically a guy issue, although not always), physically and/or verbally demonstrating our love to our kids can be uncomfortable.  If it is, I encourage you to find a way.  There is no greater tribute that a child can say about their parents than “I always knew that they loved me.”  I say this about my parents all the time, and I hope and pray that will be the case for my children as well.

A few generations ago many people believed that children should be “seen and not heard.”   We need to understand that our kids are more likely to “cause a scene and act like a herd”!  And that’s ok, it gives us a chance to work on our relationship.

- Scott

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Two

I still remember the morning of my son Greg’s first day of Kindergarten.  As we walked to the bus stop (Well, I walked - Greg skipped, ran, and jumped) I started to get a lump in my throat.  It got worse as I gave him a hug goodbye, and as he turned and waved the tears welled up in my eyes.  Fairly typical stuff for your oldest child’s first day of school!

But here’s the real interesting part – it happened again last year for first grade, and this year for second grade!  Now, I’m not an overly emotional guy, but something about that first day of school really gets to me.  And that leads me to the next foundation of parenting.

Foundational Truth #2

Good Parental Power is Limited.

Proverbs 22:6 states “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”   This truth should be all the motivation we parents need to invest all we have into our kids.  After all, a vibrant walk with the Lord is what we all want for our kids, right?  But how do we counsel the parent who has trained their child and has seen them “turn from it?” 

If we believe (and I do) that the Bible is the inspired and inerrant Word, then verses like Proverbs 22:6 can be troubling.  But they needn’t be.  When we read and interpret the Bible we need to understand what type of literature we are reading.  Proverbs may best be described as “wise sayings that are generally true”.  They are not guarantees.  Unfortunately some parents feel tremendous guilt when they see their children stray from the faith, feeling like they have somehow failed.  The fact is that our faith as parents can’t save our kids.  As they grow it is up to them to choose to walk with God. 

A good friend of mine once said that the first day of Kindergarten (or preschool) is the also the last day a parent has exclusive influence on their child’s life.  I agree, and I think that is why the first day of school is always so tough on me – each year I lose a little more influence on Greg’s life.  Slowly other influences like school, friends, and media are going to make an impact.  I think that is what I’m “mourning” on that morning!   The power and influence that I have over Greg’s (and soon Abby’s and Trent’s) life is going to become more and more limited.  

The good news?  While I may lose my exclusive influence, I’ll always have the most influence! 

And the truth is, that’s way it’s supposed to work.  I don’t want my kids to be completely dependent on me when they turn eighteen.  In fact, I won’t have done my job as a parent if they are!  But I do want to remain a guiding influence in their lives, so I need to take the steps necessary to make sure that happens.  I want them to choose to walk with God because of the work that He has done in their lives, and the best way to do that is show them the work that He has done in mine.  After that, I can only pray that they will choose Him.

As parents we need to recognize that while we are tasked with loving, teaching to, modeling for, and praying for our kids, it is God who is mighty to save them.

- Scott