How to Annoy Your Wife – Treat Her Like One of the Guys

Most of us have someone we consider to be our “best friend” in our lives.  Our best friends typically change over time.   As we grow older this person likely changed because we developed new interests or entered a new life stage, meaning that our best friend when we were 8 wasn’t the same person when we were 18, or 28 or 48, etc…  Of course, we Christian guys are encouraged to say that our wives are our best friends by our pastors and other ministry leaders.

This can be a mistake.

(waiting for all of the dropped jaws to close…..)

The mistake happens because we men don’t do a great job of distinguishing our “buddies” from true friends.  Guys are great at having buddies.  We are “pack” animals!  To many men getting together with a bunch of “the guys” and watching sports, heading to the mountains or playing golf is the height of friendship.  To rip off an old beer commercial “it just doesn’t get any better than that!”

And that is precisely the problem.  It’s great to think of our wives as our best friend (I certainly do!), but if we treat her the same way that we treat our buddies, we are missing the boat.  That fact is (and get ready, because I’m going to blow your mind with this wisdom) God made men and women different from each other.

We have different needs.  We communicate in different ways.  We have different strengths and weaknesses.  Different things make us laugh, and different things make us sad (or even, dare I say, cry).  There is a reason why God made women attractive and desirable to guys.  God wired us to be naturally independent. This can be a good thing, but our independent nature can lead us to overlook our weaknesses and the needs in our lives.  Of course, God then wired women in a way that their strengths complement our weaknesses and fulfill our needs.  Then, as an added bonus, he gave women a feminine nature (and features!), just to get our attention!

Yet knowing all of this, we husbands can have a tendency to treat our wives just like one of the guys.  Why?  Because we know how to treat guys, it’s women that are a mystery to us!  We are comfortable with our “man culture”…we know how to talk to guys (keep it vague and general, unless the topic is the Phillies’ offseason moves), what guys appreciate (the list is short and simple), and how we can help a guy who is brave enough to admit he needs it (this usually involves lending him something or performing some sort of physical labor)!

For husbands, marriage becomes a lifelong commitment to study the needs of our wives.     By doing so we will not only communicate our love (and desire) for them, we will also be fulfilled in a way that no “buddy” can come close to matching.

Maybe someday we’ll see a commercial where a husband gets invited to hang out with his friends and he declines, saying that he’d rather be with his wife, because it “just doesn’t get any better than that!”

-Scott

“You’ve Got Mail”

I was flipping through the channels on TV the other day and came across the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie “You’ve Got Mail”.  Watching it was fascinating, since the plot of the movie revolved around the two main characters emailing each other.  The concept was somewhat revolutionary in 1998, and the movie was wildly popular.  While watching it (guys – I know this is a “chick flick”, slide me some slack!) I couldn’t think about how “old” the movie seemed compared to the use of email and texting today.  Email was a quirky luxury in 1998, it’s a necessity today.

Besides the nostalgic feel of the movie (say “You’ve Got Mail!” in that computer voice to your kids today and watch them look at you like you have two heads) what struck me is how normal it is today for two people to work, converse and even live together while communicating almost exclusively by email and/or texting.  I had to ask myself, “Is this a good thing?”

Now, I use email just as much as the next person (if not more!).  It’s fast and efficient.  Email and texting can help us do a lot.  What they can’t “do” is replace the value and importance of face to face communication!  This is true for all relationships, but it is especially true for marriages.  The truth is that if we aren’t careful, we can allow electronic communication become the only communication with our spouse.  Then we are in trouble!

God designed us for face-to-face communication.  It is how we can really connect on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level with our spouse.  Email and texting are great for short notes of encouragement or telling each other “I love you”, sending important information when a phone call or personal conversation isn’t possible, or when you don’t need an immediate reply.  For everything else, we need to try to talk with our spouse in person.

Electronic communication can actually damage a marriage.  It is so easy to be “angry” while typing, and we can tend to type things that we would never say.  It’s also easy for messages to be misunderstood, since its hard to communicate tone in an email and the messaging doesn’t allow for nonverbal communication (remember 93% of all the communicating we do is non-verbal).  Perhaps most dangerous, it is incredibly easy to “e-flirt” with members of the opposite sex.  We must guard our marriages!  How many marriages have been destroyed by an “innocent” relationship that began over the computer?

How would our communication with our spouse have to change if we didn’t text or email each other for a month?  How would it improve if we set aside time each night for a real, face-to-face conversation with our spouse?

February has, of course, a very special day in it (guys – I’m not talking about the Super Bowl or Daytona 500).  Often times we stress over what to buy our spouse or how we should celebrate Valentine’s Day.  I would suggest giving your spouse the most precious thing we have to offer – our time.  How much closer would our marriages be if our Valentine’s gift to our spouse was 20 minutes of uninterrupted, distraction-free, time to talk each night of February?

Let’s turn off the TV, shut down the computer, and mute the phones!  Instead of “You’ve Got Mail”, let’s have “You’ve Got Me”!

-Scott

From Pacman to Super Mario – The Challenge of Video Games

Last week I mentioned that my family got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas.  I know that “hard core” gamers don’t think much of the Wii, but I think the technology and graphics are amazing.  Of course, I remember being excited as a kid when we got Atari!  (Try describing that to your kids.  “You were this yellow circle, and it ate dots!  Little ghosts chased you!  It was the most popular game ever!  Why are your rolling your eyes at me?”)

While it has been a fun gift, it has raised up a whole new series of discussions for our family.  Questions like what games should we get, how much time are the kids (and adults!) allowed to play, and does the Wii Fit count as “screen time”, since you have to be active to play it?  We’ve also talked about being a good sport when you win and handling disappointment when you lose.  Unfortunately, I’ve gotten a lot of practice with the latter!

Getting the Wii has had me thinking a lot about video games, and how I as “the Dad” should handle them for my family.  I’ve organized those thoughts into 3 categories

Be informed. As the dad, I need to become educated on video games, because they aren’t going away anytime soon.  Even if we had decided to not have a system in the home, my kids are going to be playing them at friend’s houses as they get older.  I’ve tried to become familiar with the rating system (check it out here) so that I know what the ratings mean.  I’ve also checked out Focus on the Family’s Plugged In website for video game (and all sorts of media) reviews.

Be aware. Let’s face it, video games are addictive.  Many require hours of play time in order to “win”, and many more hours can be spent trying to find “secret” levels to play.  The game systems can be hooked up to the internet, which means kids can now create their own levels for their friends to play (warning- these levels are often contain much more violence and sex than the game-created levels).  This means that gaming must be scheduled.  Parents need to look for the warning signs that their kids’ gaming is becoming addictive.  Some common signs are lost interest in social activities, school work, and sports, restlessness and irritability if they can’t play, and skipping meals or sleep.

So what is a parent to do?  Some ways of being aware of the negative side of video games is to set time limits (and not give in to the “Just one more level” plea), encourage your kids to play with their friends at your house, insist that school work is completed first, making sure your kids are getting exercise, and modeling good gaming habits yourself.

Be involved. This is a rule of thumb that applies in virtually every area of parenting!  Being involved when it comes to video games means sometimes playing the games with the kids (it should be a warning flag if they don’t want you to play), helping to pick the games for your family, and making sure that the gaming is done in a common room (no gaming in the bedrooms).  Make sure that you have very clear rules in place when it comes to trading games (especially if your kids have a portable system like a Nintendo DS) and what the consequences are for trading for games that you don’t approve of.  Insist that your kids give you all usernames and passwords for games that have that option.

Video games can be a lot of fun, but like all things they need to be used in moderation.  Above all else, if they start to interfere with our kids spiritual development, like replacing  devotional times, taking the place of youth group, or exposing our kids to visuals of violence and sex, we parents must step in and make the necessary changes.

Handling video games can be a challenge for any parent, but it is a challenge that we must rise to meet.

-Scott

How Spiritually “Fit” Is Your Family?

For Christmas this year we gave our kids a Nintendo Wii game system, and one of our gifts from my parents was the Wii Fit accessory.  It has been a lot of fun using it.  The whole family has enjoyed playing the different fitness games, and I’ve even tried to have a “Wii Workout” each day.  I’ve been a bit more concerned about my health than in years past, and the Wii Fit has been a good motivator to get me to exercise (it made my character look like Re-Run from What’s Happening).

This time of year is always one when people make resolutions to get more exercise and eat healthier.  Purchases of health foods and organic products rise, and more people start a gym membership in January than in any other month.  It’s not a coincidence that the popular TV show The Biggest Loser starts a new season in the beginning of January!  In general, our country is more concerned about fitness than every before.

Allow me to pose a few questions:

Are we Christians as concerned about our spiritual fitness?

Do we set aside time to get a good spiritual “workout” each day?

Are we as concerned with what spiritual “food” we consume as we are real food?

Are we inspecting the “labels” of the TV shows we watch, websites we visit, and music we listen to as carefully as we look at the ingredients lists on the food we buy?

Just as importantly, how are we parents doing in monitoring our children’s spiritual fitness?

Just typing these questions has caused me to reflect on my own priorities.  I’m not sure I could give real positives answers to most of them.  If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to take a look at what changes you might want to make to work on your (and your family’s) spiritual health this year.  There may be some things you need to either cut out of or add to your “diet” and “workouts”.

Nintendo doesn’t make a “WiiFaith”, but consider this – there are five main workout areas in the WiiFit:

Balance – How are we doing in keeping our lives balanced?  Is there an area that is causing us to become unbalanced?

Aerobics – What gets our blood pumping and our heart rate up with our faith?  Is it music, small group time, or serving our church?  In other words, what are we passionate about in our walk?  Are we making sure that we are doing these activities regularly?

Yoga – What are we doing in our faith life that is stretching us spiritually?  If we aren’t being stretched, what could we add to our workout that does stretch us?

Strength Training – Are we doing “exercises” that strengthen the core muscles of our faith, like regular prayer, devotions, and worship?

Training Plus – What additional activities can we add to our regular regimen?  Are we doing things that are fun?  Exercise should include some elements of “fun”.  God has never intended for the Christian walk to be this dour, joyless existence as we count down the days until Christ’s return.

Let’s make 2010 the year that we increase our family’s spiritual fitness!

-Scott

Celebrating Advent as a Family – The Christ Candle

I was reading a letter to the editor on a local news website that asked everyone to wish people “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.”  Scanning to the comments section, I noticed one person who made this comment – “I am not Christian but I celebrate a non-religious holiday that happens to fall on December 25th. I still call it Christmas because that’s what we have always called it. It’s about spending the day with family, relaxing and exchanging gifts to show how much the other person means to you.”

Now, read that comment again.  What was your reaction to it?  At first I chuckled, but then I thought that sadly, there are a lot of people who would probably agree with this person.  How can we help our kids avoid becoming of them?

In the center of the advent wreath stands the Christ Candle.  Pure white, it is traditionally lit on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning.  The Christ Candle helps to remind us that Christ should indeed be the center of everything we do, including celebrating Christmas.  As parents, we need to lead our children here.  How do we keep Jesus at the center of our celebration?  Here are a few ideas:

Attend at Christmas Eve Candlelight Service. Many churches hold a candlelight service on Christmas Eve.  A wonderful way to begin the celebration, your kids will love holding a candle.

Bake a birthday cake for Jesus and sing “Happy Birthday” at the meal. After all, it’s His birthday we are celebrating!

Wrap up three gifts for Jesus and put them under the tree. The gifts can be things that you are going to donate to a local shelter or outreach ministry, such as baby bottles and diapers for a pregnancy center, or food for a local food bank.  Why three gifts?  In honor of the 3 gifts of the Magi, of course!  To make even more of a connection to the Christmas story, donate the gifts to a local homeless shelter, since there was no room in the inn for Joseph and Mary.

Read the Christmas Story and sing carols before opening the gifts. Each member of the family can pick their favorite and everyone can sing one verse of the song.  If you have a youngster who is learning to read, have them help read the story!

Have each child receive three packages for Christmas. Like the three gifts to Jesus, this helps remind us of the Magi.

Have a Christmas Meal for your immediate family. Start a new tradition for your family by having a separate, special meal to celebrate Christ on the days leading up to Christmas.  Perhaps you could read the story from Matthew (as opposed to Luke) and eat by candlelight to make this meal unique among all of the other Christmas get-togethers.

Watch a Christmas Movie.  No, I don’t mean “The Santa Clause”!  Have the whole family settle in to watch a movie that tells the Christmas story.  A great way to spend the evening!  My recommendation: The Nativity Story.  Dad’s – I know that there are some great NBA games on the TV in the evening, but LeBron will play Kobe another time this year, I promise!

I’m sure there are other great ideas for keeping Jesus the center of our Christmas celebration.  If there is something your family does, please share it in the comments section!

Have a wonderful time together as a family this Friday.  I wish all of you a truly Merry Christmas!

- Scott

Celebrating Advent as a Family – The Candle of Peace

One of the most common phrases that you will hear during December (well, besides “Some Assembly Required”) is “Peace on Earth”.  The phrase comes from the announcement of Jesus’ birth by the angels to the shepherds in Luke 2:14, but many people don’t seem to understand that.  As parents we need to make sure that our kids are not in that group!

Thankfully, the Advent Wreath can help us.  Most traditions have one Sunday devoted to peace, and the one that we have been following designates the 4^th candle as the Candle of Peace.  Jesus is called the “Prince of Peace” in Isaiah 9:6, and so we want to talk to our kids about how believing in Jesus as our Savior will give them true peace.

And that is one way that our faith and world are at odds.   Like many aspects of the Advent season, the meaning of “peace on earth” seems to have been altered to fit a more secular view of the world.  To many (especially nonbelievers) the peace that they are referring to is a sense of military peace or peace between the nations.  While I am obviously all for that, it isn’t the peace that the angels were talking about.

If an end to hostilities isn’t what the angels meant, what did they mean?  Jesus would eventually bring peace on earth. He would do it first through His sacrifice on the cross, making peace between God and sinful man (Romans 5:1) possible.  The Bible tells that He will return (soon, I pray) in glory, bringing peace to the earth with the sword (Revelation 19:11-21).  Jesus will have to impose peace at His second coming, but once He does, the earth will have real peace.   The birth of God’s Son in Bethlehem meant that process of bringing true peace to the earth began.

For our kids (especially younger ones), all of this may be a bit difficult to comprehend.  Let’s face it; we adults sometimes struggle to fully grasp all that Jesus’ birth means!  But the more our children hear about God’s peace, the more they will grow in their faith.

One great and practical way to practice peace this week is to simply practice forgiveness.  Ask your kids if there is anyone they are angry or upset with (perhaps a sibling?) that they need to be at peace with.  Help them work through their emotions and show them how to actively practice forgiveness.

Parents, we need to lead by example here.  Many family Christmas gatherings are coming up, are we at peace with everyone who will be coming?  While it may not be wise to tell our kids who specifically we need to forgive (Hey, Uncle Bob, my Dad said that you and him aren’t getting along, but he forgives you!), we can let them know that we are going to be practicing forgiveness just like them.

Let’s commit to not settling for “getting along” with our family members for Christmas.  Instead, let’s commit to giving the gift of forgiveness, and celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace together.

-         Scott

Coming up early next week – some practical ways to incorporate Christ into Christmas morning.  To read about some other great ways to celebrate Christmas as a family, visit our website at www.hotrfm.org.

Celebrating Advent as a Family – The Candle of Joy

There is no questioning the strong emotions that Christmas music creates in people.  Retailers know this, which is why they start pumping in Christmas music shortly after Halloween.  Radio stations know this, which is why they compete to be the first one in the area to start playing Christmas music.  One local radio station went to an all-Christmas music format more than two weeks BEFORE Thanksgiving!

We all have our favorite Christmas carols, and our spirits lift at least a little when we hear them.  We stop what we are doing, sing along, and smile.  Christmas music, perhaps more than anything else, gives us joy during the holidays.

And this year, it seems joy has been a little harder to come by.  Everyone knows someone who has lost their job (or has lost theirs), every school district, township, county, and state is talking about raising taxes, the country is still fighting two wars abroad, and the swine flu has a lot of people scared to even shake hands.  Now, perhaps more than ever, is the time when we need to be intentionally filling our lives with joy.

Just in time, the third week of advent signals an emotional transition.  After two weeks of reflection about our need for a Savior, we begin to celebrate the joyous occasion of His birth!  The candle for this week is often called the Candle of Joy, and traditionally it is pink or rose instead of purple.  The third Sunday in advent is sometimes called Gaudete Sunday (Gaudete is the Latin word for “rejoice”).  Years ago many pastors would wear a rose or even pink robe for the Sunday service, and often the entire sanctuary would be decorated in those colors.  The purpose was to have everything in the service be devoted to reminding the people of the  joy that Jesus’ birth gives to His people!

This week I would encourage you to rejoice together as a family, and I can think of no better way than to sing some of your favorite Christmas carols together.  But rather than just sing, I would encourage you to take some time to first read the words of the songs together and discuss them as a family.  What was the hymn-writer trying to say about the birth of Jesus?  How we incorporate those thoughts into our thoughts?  How does this song connect with the Christmas story found in Scripture?  What does “Gloria in excelsis Deo” mean anyway?  When we ask and help answer those questions with our kids, we not get the blessing of helping them grow in our faith, we also get the blessing of spending meaningful time together as a family!  Perhaps you will even start a new Christmas tradition.

Too often we (well, at least I) will sing along with a song and not even think about the words we are singing.  How much more joyful will we be when we do?  Have fun this week singing songs of joy together, and if you’re going to sing “Angels We Have Heard on High”, let me know, I may stop by!

-Scott

Celebrating Advent as a Family – The Candle of the Way

Note – There are several different interpretations of the advent wreath.  While all of them begin with the Candle of Hope, they differ slightly for the remaining weeks of advent.  For example, the candles may stand for peace, joy and love, or Bethlehem, Angels, Shepherds.  For our series we are using one of the older traditions.

Like many of you, my family spent some of our Thanksgiving weekend “decking the halls” for Christmas.  I tackled the outside lights, and for once I managed to get them all up without seriously damaging something!  The rest of the family worked on the inside of our house, and now most of our rooms are filled with red and green decorations.

What is interesting about that (at least to me) is that while red and green are the “traditional” colors of Christmas, they aren’t the primary colors of Advent.  The main color of Advent is actually purple!  In most Advent wreaths three of the candles are purple.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  The first is that purple is traditionally the color of royalty, and so we should use it to celebrate and help remind us that Jesus is the King of Kings.

The second reason is that purple is also the color of repentance.  We don’t often think of the Christmas season as a time of repentance, but this is actually a great opportunity to talk to our kids about their need for a Savior and their need to turn from their sin.

Perhaps that is why the second candle of the advent wreath is sometimes called the Candle of the Way.  We all live in the darkness of sin, but Jesus is the light that can show us the Way out of that darkness.  If you talk about this while lighting the candle in a dark room you can give your kids a great visual experience of what you are teaching them!  In John 14:6 Jesus refers to Himself as the “Way, Truth, and the Light” (a great verse to memorize as a family this week).

I would also encourage you to share your own salvation story with your kids this week, especially if you’ve never done that before.  It is critical for our kids to know how we came to trust in Jesus.  Even if your story doesn’t involve a miraculous rescue from despair, it is still meaningful and meant to be shared.  Better still, have your kids ask their grandparents (or Aunts and Uncles) how they came to know Christ!  We all want our children to accept Jesus, and those family stories are one way that we can help them on their journey to salvation.  The more they hear about how God has redeemed the people they love the most, the more real their faith will be to them.

So take one night this week and sit down with some Christmas cookies, and share with your kids.  It will be the best gift you can give them this Christmas!

-Scott

PS – Visit www.hotrfm.com and scroll down to the articles section to find some great outreach ideas!  Perhaps you can help someone receive the gift of salvation this year.

Celebrating Advent as a Family – The Candle of Hope

One of my favorite Christmas memories from my childhood was walking into the sanctuary on the first Sunday of Advent and seeing the wreath set up by the alter.  That meant that Christmas was just four weeks away!  I would get more excited each week as another candle was lit because that meant that I was that much closer to Memorial UMC’s Christmas Eve candlelight service (my favorite service ever – I miss it), the post-service party at my great-grandparents (I still miss it, and them, each year), and of course, PRESENTS!!

(Interestingly, I don’t miss any of those toys or can recall most of them, hmmmm…)

For one reason or another, the tradition of the advent wreath isn’t as prominent in churches as it used to be.  That’s a shame, because the advent wreath can be a great way to help our children connect to the history of the Faith, and help our kids have a deeper understanding of just how wonderful and amazing the birth of Jesus was.

For the next few weeks I’ll be using this blog space to talk about some ways that parents can really invest in the spiritual lives of their kids by using the Advent wreath.  As a companion to this, we are doing the same thing with our Pebbles of Truth radio program, which is broadcast each Saturday at around 12:20 of WJTL in Lancaster.  Each week we will also be posting some activities on our Pebbles website, www.pebblesoftruth.com, for you to download.

So what can we share with our kids about the advent wreath?  A lot!  The circular shape of the wreath reminds us that there is no beginning and no end to God.  He is eternal!  The green of the pine branches and holly leaves remind us of the new life of Jesus, and the new life that each of us can have when we trust in Him as our Savior.

The candles give off light, which reminds us that Jesus is the light that came to this world of darkness, and how each of us is called to be a light for God.  The great thing about the Advent wreath is that our kids can actually see what we are talking about!  The first candle that we light is often called the Candle of Hope, and we can talk to our kids about how the people hoped for a Savior, and how Jesus is still the Hope of the world today.

A couple of great activities for your family to do this first week of Advent would be to have an advent wreath in your house and light the first candle.  Sing a favorite Christmas carol and read some of the Christmas story while you sit together in the candlelight.  I’m sure your kids will love the time you spend together!

If you have young children, you can find instructions to make a simple (no flames!) wreath on our Pebbles website.  Another activity you can do this week is to memorize Scripture as a family.  Matthew 24:44 would be a great one to get you started.

Although we all talk about remembering the “reason for the season”, it is often easy to forget.  Let’s use the next four weeks to intentionally plan some times to give our kids the gift of a deeper walk with God.

-Scott

Lucky Man, Part II

For a while now I have wanted to upgrade my cell phone.  I really want one of the newer ones with a touch screen and fancy applications, one that I can get my email on and surf the web with.  I REALLY want one of these cell phones.  In fact I want one so bad I can taste it (it tastes like chicken).

But, right now it just isn’t in the budget.  So I am really working on being content with the bare-bones, pre-paid cell phone that I currently have.  It meets my needs, and our finances.  Instead of thinking about the cell phone I don’t have, I should be thankful for the cell phone I do have.

Just the attitude I want my kids to have.  Hmmmmm…..wonder if I should talk to them about my cell phone?

Sharing with our kids about our own struggles with being content is one of the best things that we can do for them.  Not only do we show them that contentment is something that we all struggle with, we also can also show them what we do to achieve it!

One tradition that many families have for Thanksgiving is to go around the table and have each person talk about one thing that they are thankful for.  This year, why not carve out some time to talk about what we struggle being thankful for as well?  My guess is that your kids will appreciate the honesty!

-Scott

PS – Starting next week – how we can nurture our childrens’ faith (and have some fun) during Advent.