Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Five

Allow me to paint the following picture for you:  Jack and Jill fall madly in love, get married and start a family.  Jill loves being a mom, and because she feels her first priority is the kids, she devotes all of her time and energy into raising them.  This leaves little time and energy for Jack.  Jack loves his work, and because he feels his first priority is to be a provider (and since Jill is always busy with the kids), he pours all of his time and energy into his career.  Soon Jack and Jill are co-existing more than anything else.  They know it, the kids know it, and everyone is unhappy.

 I imagine that you might know a family that is in this situation.  The roles may be reversed or the details a little different, but the big picture remains.  Two people, who have good intentions about being a mom and dad (there is nothing inherently wrong in putting energy into your kids’ lives or your career) find themselves living separate lives under the same roof.  What do you think will happen once the kids grow up and move out?

 In order to prevent the above scenario from happening to our families, we parents need to remember the fifth foundation of parenting:

 Foundational Truth #5

 Good Parenting Means Putting Your Spouse Before The Kids

 This seems to be backwards, doesn’t it?  I mean, if we want to be good parents shouldn’t we be putting our kids first?  Aren’t our kids’ needs more important than our own?

 I believe that kids have two overarching desires in life – a) they want to know that both of their parents love them, and b) they want to know that their parents love each other.  When they “catch” us showing our love for each other to each other, our kids feel safe and secure.  It is in that kind of environment that our kids can thrive.

 (Allow me to pause here to acknowledge that you may be reading this and life circumstances are such that this foundation seems like it doesn’t apply.   I hope to encourage you by saying that any home life where a child feels safe and loved is a great foundation for success!)

 So how do we put our spouse first?  There are many ways, but here are a few suggestions.  First, we need to have fun together as couples, by which I mean time spent apart from the kids.  Of course, this means that we need to intentionally schedule “date nights” or weekend getaways, but we also need to work to carve out some time on a daily basis to connect, share, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company.  If we become so busy that we miss these times, than we are forfeiting one of the true joys of marriage.

 Secondly, we need to invest time in each other’s interests and find some things that we love to do together as husband and wife.  For some of us investing in each other’s interests is easy, for others it is very hard! 

 Along with this investment, we also need to invest time in finding the love language that best speaks to our partner.  When I was dating my wife, I tried to convey my love for her by buying her gifts.  It took me a while (I’m a little slow on these things!), but I figured out that gifts weren’t really Mary’s primary love language (she would much rather I wash the dishes or turn off the Phillies to sit and talk with her).  If you’re not sure what your spouse’s love language is, ask them!  It is a fun conversation to have.

 Lastly, we need to make sure that we don’t lose physical intimacy with our spouse.  I’m not just talking about sex, although that is certainly a part of physical intimacy.  I am also talking about the ways that we physically express our love for our spouse, whether it is putting your arm around them when you are sitting next to each other, holding hands, giving hugs or kisses, etc…  Not only are these simple moments of affection communicating our love to our spouse, they also communicate love to our kids (they will pretend to be “grossed out” by it, but trust me, they like seeing it!).

 The foundation for any family must be based on love, and we love our kids by first loving God and then loving our spouse.  I encourage you to talk to your spouse (God’s gift to you) this week about how you can connect to each other in more meaningful ways.

 -Scott

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Four

Last fall my son Greg played on a soccer team that was absolutely dominant.  The team went 15-1, winning most of the games by double digit scores.  Greg loved it, (obviously), was feeling good about himself as a soccer player and we looked forward to the spring season. 

 New season, new team, very different results!  Greg’s spring team lost every game but one, and this time he was on the losing side of some blowouts.  His self-image took a hit as well.  I was a little concerned, because I never like to see my kids down on themselves.  That’s where our fourth foundation of parenting comes into play.

 Foundational Truth #4

 Good Parenting Produces A Healthy Self-Concept

 Although we parents don’t like to admit it sometimes, our kids will fail.  At sports, at school, at behaving, and in relationships (to name a few areas).  It is our job as parents to make sure that these times when they are not as successful do not damage our kids self-image. 

 It is so important that our kids understand that there is a HUGE difference between failing at something and being a failure!  The former is going to happen, if for no other reason than we are humans living in a fallen world.  But here is the good news – the latter is never the case for a child of God!

 And that truth is what our kids self concept needs to be built on.  The world will try to tell our kids that their value is derived by their looks, smarts, and accomplishments.  Luke 12:6-7 says “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Our true value is God’s estimate of our worth, not our peers’

 So, how do we help our kids develop a healthy self-concept?  One important step is to not get upset with them when they fail.  I know, I know, this is not easy to do!  We want our kids to do well.  And I’m not really talking about those times that our kids choose to do the wrong thing, I’m referring to those times when they intend to do well and fall short.

 Usually our kids are well aware when life knocks them down, they don’t need our help in acknowledging that.  What they do need for mom and dad to help them get back up.  Let’s use a poor spelling test as an example.  If we rant and rave and send them to their room as punishment, then the message we are sending to them is that they need to achieve (good grades) in order to receive (our love).  What if they begin to think that about God?

 Now, please understand that I want my kids to achieve just as much as the next dad.  In fact, I try to celebrate success with them as often as I can.  But what are we celebrating?  I try to praise their character, not just their accomplishments.  For example, I try to say things like “I know you’ve worked really hard at this, I’m really proud of you for that” instead of just “Great job!”  What matters to God is our character, so that is what should matter to us.

- Scott

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Three

Shortly after my daughter Abby was born I was talking to an elderly neighbor of mine and giving the “play by play” of welcoming her into the world.  He chuckled and remarked that times sure had changed.  When I asked him what he meant by that, he replied that when his daughter was born his job was to drive his wife to the hospital.  The nurses met him at the front door, put his wife in a wheelchair, and told him they would give him a call when the baby was born.  He was right, times have changed!

 I share that brief story with you for two reasons: a) it cracks me up each time I think about it (try getting away with that level of involvement today, dads!), and b) it really speaks to the culture change that has occurred in parenting over the years.  It is this change leads me to our third foundation of parenting.

 Foundational Truth #3

 Good Parenting is Good Relating.

 One of the things about life that I have found to be true is that your relation to someone is not nearly as important as your relationship with them.  As parents, we need to be working on our relationship with our children.  Hebrews 12:6 helps explain why: “because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”  Once again, in the Word God gives us the model as to how we should relate to our kids (isn’t it amazing how often he does that?).  God does correct his children, but he does it because he actively loves and accepts them. 

 I can accept God’s prodding and discipline (of course, sometimes I kick and scream a little!) because of how he continually demonstrates how much he loves me.  The same is needs to be true with my kids.  The more I actively (that’s the key – relationship building isn’t a passive thing) demonstrate to Greg, Abby, and Trent that I love them and that they are a priority in my life, the better our relationship will be and the better parent I will be. 

 This doesn’t mean that I am going to try to be their friend.  In fact, if that is the case then I am settling for a lesser relationship.  I want to be their dad!

 For many of us, this idea of building a loving relationship with our kids is very different from how our great-grandparents, grandparents, and even parents parented.  And if that is true, it is important for us to understand the times in which they were parenting and (as Bruce says) “slide them a little slack”!  For a long time the main role of the father, for instance, was to provide 3 square meals a day, clothes on their back, and a roof over their head.  Physical contact was limited to a pat on the head (and/or a swat to the backside!). 

 Our relationship with our kids should be more than that.  For some of us (and let’s be honest, this is typically a guy issue, although not always), physically and/or verbally demonstrating our love to our kids can be uncomfortable.  If it is, I encourage you to find a way.  There is no greater tribute that a child can say about their parents than “I always knew that they loved me.”  I say this about my parents all the time, and I hope and pray that will be the case for my children as well.

A few generations ago many people believed that children should be “seen and not heard.”   We need to understand that our kids are more likely to “cause a scene and act like a herd”!  And that’s ok, it gives us a chance to work on our relationship.

- Scott

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part Two

I still remember the morning of my son Greg’s first day of Kindergarten.  As we walked to the bus stop (Well, I walked - Greg skipped, ran, and jumped) I started to get a lump in my throat.  It got worse as I gave him a hug goodbye, and as he turned and waved the tears welled up in my eyes.  Fairly typical stuff for your oldest child’s first day of school!

But here’s the real interesting part – it happened again last year for first grade, and this year for second grade!  Now, I’m not an overly emotional guy, but something about that first day of school really gets to me.  And that leads me to the next foundation of parenting.

Foundational Truth #2

Good Parental Power is Limited.

Proverbs 22:6 states “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”   This truth should be all the motivation we parents need to invest all we have into our kids.  After all, a vibrant walk with the Lord is what we all want for our kids, right?  But how do we counsel the parent who has trained their child and has seen them “turn from it?” 

If we believe (and I do) that the Bible is the inspired and inerrant Word, then verses like Proverbs 22:6 can be troubling.  But they needn’t be.  When we read and interpret the Bible we need to understand what type of literature we are reading.  Proverbs may best be described as “wise sayings that are generally true”.  They are not guarantees.  Unfortunately some parents feel tremendous guilt when they see their children stray from the faith, feeling like they have somehow failed.  The fact is that our faith as parents can’t save our kids.  As they grow it is up to them to choose to walk with God. 

A good friend of mine once said that the first day of Kindergarten (or preschool) is the also the last day a parent has exclusive influence on their child’s life.  I agree, and I think that is why the first day of school is always so tough on me – each year I lose a little more influence on Greg’s life.  Slowly other influences like school, friends, and media are going to make an impact.  I think that is what I’m “mourning” on that morning!   The power and influence that I have over Greg’s (and soon Abby’s and Trent’s) life is going to become more and more limited.  

The good news?  While I may lose my exclusive influence, I’ll always have the most influence! 

And the truth is, that’s way it’s supposed to work.  I don’t want my kids to be completely dependent on me when they turn eighteen.  In fact, I won’t have done my job as a parent if they are!  But I do want to remain a guiding influence in their lives, so I need to take the steps necessary to make sure that happens.  I want them to choose to walk with God because of the work that He has done in their lives, and the best way to do that is show them the work that He has done in mine.  After that, I can only pray that they will choose Him.

As parents we need to recognize that while we are tasked with loving, teaching to, modeling for, and praying for our kids, it is God who is mighty to save them.

- Scott

A Busy October!

Here at House on the Rock we are bracing ourselves for a very busy month of October.  Some of the highlights:

- 3 Men of Impact workshops

- Our Car Show fundraiser

- Our first-ever TV appearance on October 13th

- 2 Sunday morning preaching opportunities

- A family assessment for one of our partner churches

We are also continuing to meet and introduce our ministry to as many churches and people as we can.  Here are a few praises and concerns that you can lift up on our behalf.

Praises

For the many opportunities that God is giving us to minister to men, marriages, and families….

For a tremendous “Man Camp” that Bruce was a part of at Camp Sandy Cove in WV…

For new partner churches…

Concerns

For the ongoing financial health of the ministry…

For our fundraising banquet on November 14th…

For traveling protection as we go to and from our events…

For wisdom for our staff and our board members as we discern His will for our ministry….

 

Thanks for your prayers and ongoing support of our ministry to families!

Five Foundations for Parenting – Part One

Let’s face it, parenting is tough.  Psalm 127:3 tells us that “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.”  It can be easy to forget that while we are in the midst of parenting.  As I like to say “sometimes my kids are works of God, other times they are pieces of work”!  Over the next couple of weeks I plan to share some general thoughts on parenting that I hope will be an encouragement to you.

Foundational Truth #1

Good Parenting Does Not Require Perfection 

Can I get an Amen!?!  To be honest, I fail as a parent every day…several times a day…usually before breakfast! 

Sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking that because we are Christians our homes should be this peaceful sanctuary where everyone gets along and any issues are resolved quickly with some sage advice and funny hijinks from dad (who never gets upset) and a snack of milk and cookies from mom (who is never tired and lives to serve her kids).  That’s a picture of an old family sitcom (think of Leave It To Beaver, The Brady Bunch, or The Cosby Show), not of reality.

The fact is that Christian homes will have conflict, sadness, tension, hurt and sinfulness.  Being Christian parents doesn’t mean that our home avoids those things.  Being Christian parents means that our homes should also be filled with forgiveness, grace, understanding, patience, and love.  If we focus on building these positive characteristics and ask Him for help with the negative ones, we’ll be doing just fine.

-Scott

Open doors & windows too!

It’s been a while since I’ve been out here … lots happened since February …

The Lord is opening doors for us to serve more families and churches.  We have added a new part time staff member to help us develop the ministry and work with our partner churches.  Dr. Larsh is a long time personal friend and family ministry colleague.  He is a great addition to our ministry team.

We have some breaking news in that we have been invited to minister to a local Catholic church here in town … to do our FAMILY R We and a marriage event in February … so the Lord is opening up some new doorways!

Pray too for the Lord to open some windows of heaven … we need some showers of blessing!  The “sagging economy” is affecting us … the good news is that events are still coming in … the need for our ministry is increasing! 

It seems as though one should produce the other … not always the case … we need to listen to the still small voice to make sure it is the Lord that is leading and blessing and not the efforts of all of us on staff … hard lesson … though listening … I appreciate your prayers!

Barrage of Blessing

From Montrose we took the team to Sandy Cove for another Couple’s Conference … it was and will be the largest event we do … over 200 couples participated!

Kapp and Linda performed dead on dramas that added punch to each session … our guest artist was Mark Cable … who does some powerful family story music … and my wife Karen was in rare form helping me present the material.

Couples enjoy hearing from Karen … they like the other side of the story … we led the group through the 4 Laws of marriage as outlined in the book Marriage on the Rock.

Pray that the message of the weekend will continue to expand in the hearts of the couples who attended.

On that same weekend we launched our first radio feature (fancy name for a 5 minute spot) on WJTL 90.3 in Lancaster. The show is called Pebbles of Truth and we are excited about what it will do for the ministry. You can hear the program on our new website to support it … www.pebblesoftruth.com … leave us some feedback so we know that people are listening … although we have heard from folks already … they told me to stop reading and just be me … that will take practice … 4 minutes goes by too quickly for me not be a little scripted …

If that weren’t enough … we held our 4th annual Sweetheart Banquet this week. We had a fantastic evening … 112 couples came and emjoyed a great meal … some drama from Kapp and Linda … and a mini-concert by Gordy and Maire Barlow-Martin. It was a very positive evening for a lot of couples who shared how they appreciated a night to be together and to focus on themselves as a couple … that was the plan.

Busy February

Our ministry is in full swing … just back from Montrose Bible Conference where we did one of their couples’ weekends. It was fun to have Karen speaking in with me … this weekend we’re off to Sandy Cove for their Tandem Weekend … they have 175 couples registered … pray that the Lord moves in the hearts of couples … pray for all of the logistics … that things run smoothly … I will post here after the event … and finally … this Saturday is Valentine’s Day the day we celebrate love … be sure to do something special!! But it is a special day here at House on the Rock … we make our debut on a local Christian radio station … WJTL FM 90.3 … at 12:20 in the afternoon our radio feature Pebbles of Truth will hit the airways … you can listen to the broadcast live or go to our new website www.pebblesoftruth.com to hear it and pick up the family worksheet that goes with it! We’re excited to see what happens …

Thanks for checking in …

Summer

Things are always a little slower here (in terms of events) during the summer … but we are busy preparing for the fall.  Here’s some of the things you can pray for …

Family Ministry Conference … our second annual.  Kapp has done a great job in putting this together.  Click and check out the details …

Grand Opening of our Extension Office at the Family Center of Gap:  See prior post for the details … we are looking forward to the opportunities this space will offer us!

We are adding 2 New ”Part Time” Staffers over the next few weeks.  One will help me with the second most important thing we do here … raise the money we need to do the most important thing here … minister to families!  I’ll fill you in on the details when they get finalized.

Our second partner will be an Grad School intern from Lancaster Bible College and Graduate School … Scott will be helping us strike that delicate balance between becoming and organization while remaining an organism.  Our growth is forcing us to get more “organized” … institutionalization can be a death toll for organizations that fail to remain organisms as well …  pray for us as we seek to strike that critical balance.

Last but not least for this post … we have been asked to serve as the point organization to promote the new movie FIREPROOF … produced by the same church and production company that did Facing the Giants … we have the leadership premeire on July 22 and the launch September 26th!  Click on th elink to see a preview.